im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Damn victory sex feels great
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
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