I wanna bring you to show and tell
weddingsv make me drug and hornr
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
