The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
