Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
Just cropdusted the office
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
