mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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