I wish they made helmets for livers.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Randomize
