I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
