for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Your cock deserves a montage
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Terrible idea I love it
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Randomize
