I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Randomize
