cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
