highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
The convent might be a nice break from real life
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
