When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Randomize
