By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
