is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
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