That's your vagina. No one goes out and burns it
Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
