You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
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