You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Randomize
