I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
