No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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