is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
