I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
