Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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