Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
Randomize
