mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Randomize
