We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Randomize
