I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
