he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
