Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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