Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
So my graduate coordinator is possible gay man. I may have just found the easiest way to a degree ever.
Good plan b, put your number on all your forms. Hello gamefull employment.
Take that integrity
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
And then he peed in my hair
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