what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Another day, another engagement, another cat
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
