I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Life without a bra equals bliss.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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