I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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