my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
