My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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