saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
