Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
