She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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