I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
