Too much gin, very little bucket
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
