You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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