i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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