The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
