Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
