That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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