I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
