Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
