if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
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