I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
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