i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
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