This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Randomize
